Ugh.

Okay, I don't really feel like writing about my running training at the moment.  Nor have I for the past few days.  All my thoughts over the last few days have been consumed by thoughts of wanting and needing a cigarette.  As of now, it has officially been 2 days since I have had a cigarette.  Honestly, I should be proud of myself, but I feel like I am going to die.  I can go all of about 15 seconds without thinking about it.  Pretty sad.  It is probably not helping that I am drinking wine at the moment either.  Reading the support forum on About.com really did help today though.  I should be fairly close to all of the nicotine being out of my system.  I am trying to be strong, but my god, I am so freaking irritable.  I feel bad for Thomas and the dogs because I probably haven't been to pleasant to be around these last two days.  I really, really hope I can stick to my resolve on this.  I want to be healthy and go further with my running training (and riding when Casino gets here), but it is like losing a close friend that has been a part of my everyday life for 15 years.  I honestly *miss* it.  And it makes me almost depressed to think about never doing it again...I don't know how people get off heroin and meth if smoking is this bad.  It is all about behavior modification, I guess.  At least I have a drs. appt on the 13th, so if the cravings haven't become more manageable by then, I might see about getting a prescription for Chantix or Wellbutrin.  It really isnt so bad if I am doing something, but since I have been sitting here all day watching football, I have been pretty miserable.  I just have to remember my reasons for doing this.  1)  I want to be healthy.  I want to reach my goal of 10K. I know I will never be able to if my lungs feel like they are on fire after 1/2 mile....2)  It is an expensive habit.  Even though I smoke (smoked hopefully) bargain brands, I still was spending about $70/month on cigarettes.  That is two tanks of gas, a week of groceries, or almost 3 dinners out with Thomas.  3)  I don't want to end up like my mother.  I love my mom, and she is one of the strongest people I know, but I have NEVER seen anyone as addicted to smoking as she is.  She must smoke 2 packs a day.  When I see how much it has aged her, how much she coughs and is constantly clearing her throat because of all of the phlegm in her chest, it makes me really, really sad...and angry.  And here I am doing the exact same thing to myself.  Makes a lot of sense.  Right.  I just have to learn how to do things in my life and have fun without smoking being involved.  Right now I still have the mindset that absolutely *nothing* sounds fun right now when I think about it.  I am really hoping my outlook will change over the next few days as the nicotine gets out of my system.  Until then, I am pretty  much going to be miserable.  As the therapists on Obsessed always say to their OCD patients, I just have to sit with the anxiety until it comes down.  Which I am doing, I just wish it didnt come back 30 seconds later :(